Friday, January 06, 2006
happy birthday kelly! I love you girl!
last night was weird...random....drunk for a bit...and then sober.....
people were fighting left and right, the girls at the bar glaring then confronting me later, jeff being crabby, steve and i being in one big constant fight over not much, neil and alaina fighting....one big huge fight that just ate at me until i finally fell asleep at 2:30.
There IS such a thing as liking someone too much, and I believe I am there. I dont know about love, I dont know if i even have faith in love anymore. I don't know what is in store for me tomorrow, or the next day or when I am old and wrinkly....maybe I won't even have love then...I hope that isn't true because then I will have to hire a sex slave...and I am sure that isn't as great as being in love and growing old with someone. In college many people believe that this is the time and place that they will find their significant other, the person that they hope to grow with, learn and experience new things with. Once college is over and we are out in the real world, that is usually the time when people get married, they wait until they graduate to either propose or to have their wedding. When everyone around them keeps getting engaged the closer graduation gets and yet there is no one that seems to be out there for them...they learn to look for different things. I have learned to be more realistic....and right now i feel that my realistic has put me in a place where ultimately in the end i am going to get hurt. maybe I have hurt a lot of people in the past, in relationships that i have ended or never even wanted to engage in to a certain point. I have become a great actor, to cover up and put on a different face. There are two people to me, there is the happy-everything is great in this relationship-but you dont know that i really dont like you that much erica, and there is the erica that knows when she is falling for someone....when i know that you are the person i could see myself with, i will do practically anything for you...that is the erica i am when i fall....and i have realized that when I fall i fall fast and hard. but things will be different this time. i am not going to give up anymore for someone else, i am not going to move to a city just to be closer to him, family-work-school-friends- and my future are all factors in my life that i can't put aside again.
you have not asked me to give anything up, you aren't giving anything up for me. we are in the beginning of something that could be great but right now i am scared to keep going. i am sorry...we can do this, we really can. and even though i didn't send you a text back that day saying that i am going to have to try at this everyday too....i will. i dont know how to cover up feelings now, i like you too much to have you accept me as someone else. you will never see the fake me, you never did. things that i do with people i care for and trust without thinking about have come out when i am around you....there are many subtle things that are automatic with you. But when i am the real erica, i feel that i have to warn you about me. Sometimes i like to start fights just to feel that you still care, i need a person that can stand up to me and what they believe, but in the end makes me feel good. I need someone that is affectionate because
I am very affectionate. I like/love having things that others don't. I love doing new things, and being with someone that is open to everything and happy doing those things with me. I hate selfish people. Even if we are in different parts of our lives, I need someone to understand that I don't want to hear that and that I want to hear you say that it will work. I love having a guy that I can brag about...whether it be how sweet he is or how funny. I love sex, i love talking about it and thinking about it. I talk about pooping, farting, boogers, spitting....and other gross things. Kelly and I know everything about eachother and that is how it will always be, we share sex stories and we back eachother up on knowing where to stand in a relationship. I hate hating people but it still happens, a girl giving me a bad look won't make me back down, a girl moving in on my man won't make me back down either. I am a jealous person, and so i need a person that helps me not feel that I need to be jealous. I will not try and change my man, if i am with you then that is how i love to see you, just how you are. And the worste thing yet, I love to be loved. Yet I will not love someone if they aren't worthy of it. I shut myself off from what I know will hurt me. If you can deal with all of this then let me know.
|ericadawn |11:30 AM|
