Monday, September 05, 2005
today is boring but better than the past days have really gone i guess....talking to a couple people that there were mixed emotions about earlier. Nicole and I are doing better, we are talking and realize that it was a misunderstanding. I hung out with someone that I have been curious about...but all I had heard were bad things about. He seems more down to earth than more than 99% of the people at bsu. He is real, he says what's up and how things go with him....i like real, i like honesty and being open with people. He said something about me and paul that shocked me...that I can't be over paul, since paul and i had planned on spending the rest of our lives together, my heart still needs time to heal. The first person that has actually said this to me. i feel this everyday, that i wonder how things could have been, i feel my heart being pulled in different directions...i dont want a half ass relationship with someone, i dont want to hang out with someone i dont have real feelings for. i want what is real and comes on it's own, without force. I will wait for this feeling again...i dont know how it will come to me...obviously i had feelings with paul that i haven't experienced with other people or i wouldn't have dedicated myself to him like i did. My heart jumped when we kissed, i wanted to look good for him more than with others, i did things for him like making dinner and cleaning just to make his day a little better. i guess i haven't given myself the chance to embrace what has happened and let myself heal and grow from it. If the someone is out there that thinks they can fill the space Paul was in, good luck....it is a big space with big expectations.
|ericadawn |6:35 PM|
